Thoroughly Unsatisfying

All I Want is a Pizza…

My wife and I have been ill for over a month. Today I decided that I wanted something other than chicken soup for supper. Nothing against chicken soup, mind you, but it’s getting a little old. All afternoon I’ve had pizza on my mind.

“I’m sorry,” said the voice on the phone. “We don’t deliver any more.”

You know, I kind of want some buffalo wings, too. Next…

“You live where? Oh, we don’t deliver to that part of town.”

That’s okay. Now that I think of it, I kind of want something cheaper anyway.

“Can you hold?”

No. Life’s short. Next…

A recording. “Welcome to Domino’s. You can get three large one-topping pizzas and three large breadsticks and three Pepsi’s for ONLY TWENTY DOLLARS.” Who can eat that much? Oh well, all I want is a medium pizza – it shouldn’t cost much if they’re giving all that away for twenty bucks… “And remember,” the recording continued, “you can include wings for only six dollars…” My confidence is waning. A real person came on the phone.

“Yeah,” said the lady.

“Um, I’d like to order a medium Canadian-bacon and pineapple pizza, please.”


“No, I’d like a pizza.”

“I need your phone number,” the lady said. I gave her my number. There was a long pause. Then, “Whaddaya want?”

“I’d like a medium Canadian-bacon and pineapple pizza, please,” I repeated. “On original crust, if you could.” I don’t even know what kind of crust they offer, but I do know that they all want you to make a choice, and they all have “original” crust.

“Is that all you want?” the lady said. I dreamt of buffalo wings, flying away at the cheap, cheap cost of six bucks per order. “That’s all,” I said. I gave her my address.

“That’ll be $14.65,” she said as she hung up.

Almost fifteen dollars for a medium pizza. I could have had three large pizzas for twenty bucks. That made me sad. What made me even sadder was when the delivery guy showed up half an hour later. “I forgot my change,” he said as I was getting my seventeen dollars ready (I always tip a few dollars). “Is it okay if I just keep the change?” I gave him fifteen.

On the plus side, the pizza was pretty good. It wasn’t fifteen-dollars-good, but I’d give an honest ten or twelve bucks for it. Too bad they treated me rudely on the phone and sent a greedy delivery guy over – I’ll probably never order Domino’s again, even if I do have to go pick my pizza up myself.

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